


friends never say goodbye

by railonsakq



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Friendship/Love, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, and there's lots of angst and angst only so beware, if you're not ok with cheating you probably shouldn't read this, it's about friendship, slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-02 14:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14546256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/railonsakq/pseuds/railonsakq
Summary: everything that has happened between hajime and tooru and how it influenced their undying friendship





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> well. sorry for my bad english but i just HAD TO,  
> also you can read whole fic on russian [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/6523891)

Hajime always knew that a lot of moments have passed in his and Oikawa’s relationship. Like the first time Oikawa didn’t say anything when Hajime called him by his surname instead of “Tooru” (and Hajime has never called him by his name ever again). Like when he couldn’t warn him not to overwork himself (and Oikawa eventually hurt his knee). Like how Hajime has never found the right moment to tell Oikawa he loves him (and he never knew).

Hajime knows their friendship is stronger than anything, but there always will be moments like this. For example, when drunk Oikawa cried holding Hajime tightly late at night after latter’s bachelor party, a few hours before Hajime was supposed to marry. And Hajime, like a good friend, decided that their friendship — that’s for certain — will outlast everything. Even his feelings for Oikawa. Even Oikawa’s feelings for him.

Hajime didn’t respond to Oikawa’s drunken, almost incomprehensible confession. However Hajime may regret all the moments that he didn’t have with Oikawa, it is the only one he doesn’t regret not having.

The day after that, Hajime married. The year after that, Oikawa and Hajime’s friendship basically ended.

To be honest, it was… good. Hajime has loved him too much and too long for pain to be any sort of pleasant. It’s no longer a holy suffering or lascivious anguish, it’s now just a simple dull pain.

Much less Hajime can’t not thank himself, opening his eyes every morning of every day and seeing calm and happy face of his wife. It was the only right choice. She didn’t deserve the betrayal Hajime thought of cradling his drunk best friend in his arms. And his family, her family, their friends didn’t deserve that. Would anyone accept him if he had chose to elope from his wedding? Anyone besides Oikawa.

On the other hand, now he has everybody’s goodwill. Except the most important one’s.

These first two years of marriage has been very difficult ones for Hajime.

*

Hajime re-reads the inscription on a postcard again and again. It is as if letters are dancing before his eyes, refusing to take shape of something plausible. He would stay like this for too long trying to burn a hole in poor piece of paper, if he hadn’t felt that someone hugged him softly and put head on his shoulder.

“Wow!” his wife exclaims in sincere delight, lifting her head from his shoulder, “You haven’t said he has a girlfriend!”

Hajime frowns for a second and turns his head to see Shinko, finally looking away from an invitation to Oikawa Tooru-san and Kurosawa Mika-san’s wedding. “I didn’t know that”.

Bewilderment has taken over her features. “Why? He is your best friend, after all…”

Hajime smiles softly. “Oikawa is like that, he can simply forget about me, too busy with his work to call his childhood friend, but I’m certain he still thinks we’re best friends”.

It’s ok as long as no one remembers that Oikawa can’t live without his best friend even a second from his childhood; Hajime calms himself down thinking that it’s not a lie, it’s just even Oikawa had to finally grow up and, as it seems, it has happened eventually. Hajime tries to persuade himself more than his wife; he suspects that, even lived apart for that long, he knows his Oikawa enough to guess the truth, but Shinko will be better without knowing it. What is even a reaction of a wife if you tell her that her husband’s best friend stopped communicating with him after former’s wedding because he’s in love with him? Hajime doesn’t know for sure, but he is sure he doesn’t want to know.

Shinko smiles in return. “Okay then. You should call him now, he is surely waiting for you to help him with his wedding”, she says and kisses her husband’s cheek, releasing her embrace.

Hajime thinks that maybe it’s not a bad idea. Maybe, Oikawa, given that he chose to settle down, has outgrown their feelings for each other. Hajime hoped that Oikawa for the first and only — most important — time turns up to be more mature than him.

*

Oikawa is his smiles. Often polite, not real, tastelessly pleasant. Rarely, very, very rarely quiet and open — showing true emotions; Hajime hasn’t seen them for a while. He has to face a wall of cold indifference, but it’s okay. Maybe, it’s for the best. For both of them.

And it’s all good, and they manage to talk like regular friends (it’s not like they used to talk), until they get drunk in each other’s company. Fortunately — well, more like unfortunately — it happens only during bachelor party, day before wedding.

Hajime spills over himself, and Oikawa with deep laugh pulls him into restroom. “Come on, Iwa-chan, you’re so drunk you can’t wash off himself”, and next thing Hajime knows they are in restroom’s stall kissing. And Hajime feels alive.

It isn’t their first time; it’s more like he thought there won’t be any more. And every kiss for him is like the last one.

Oikawa tastes like might-have-been dream: move to Tokyo, become pro, live with Oikawa. He’s here, in front of you, you may even touch him — but still he is an illusion, not reality. He won’t ever become a part of his life; or his life even.

But Hajime doesn’t want to think about that, not now; not now, when Oikawa is here, close, in his arms. Hajime wants to dissolve in him and forget about their lives even for a few hours.

They kissed a long time ago, too long, and Hajime has even started to miss this feeling of home brought to him by Oikawa’s lips. Even his hot tears tastes like home.

Oikawa is crying. He’s not in a shape to talk; furthermore, Hajime knows. Yes, the same has happened with him: he meets a cute, ideal girl, and for a second he wants to spend the rest of his life with her; but then he sees him, his best friend, his soulmate, and he realises that everything he felt for her is nothing. Oikawa doesn’t even need to voice all that.

Hajime kisses away all Oikawa’s tears and caresses his soft hair and holds him tightly, until the sun rises. Then they disperse in their respective rooms.

Hajime, not in a shape to take off his clothes, falls on his side of bed, and because of this, accidentally, his wife wakes up.

“Well, well, well, he is back at five o’clock, but there’s no lipstick, I’ll dismiss this as you and Oikawa-san had had a really long talk”, Shinko says and laughs her airy laugh. Shame and pain makes Hajime hide his face in a pillow.

What now? Tell her or just straight away ask for divorce? This of course isn’t the first time he cheats on her with Oikawa… Hajime might have been such a good, even ideal husband for her, just if he had never ever met Oikawa.

Would he have been himself if he had never had Oikawa?

Thinking about this, he falls asleep. Badly, restlessly, for a few hours, but asleep.

*

The next morning greets him with bad news. Bad, but anticipated.

No one can find Oikawa.

Hajime sighs heavily and joins the search, with all his heart believing that they are in vain. _If you came up with an idea to elope from your wedding, you better leave the note,_ Hajime scolds his friend in his mind. _Well, it’s not my place to judge, I don’t even have the courage to tell Shinko about us._

No one has succeeded to find Oikawa before the ceremony, so Hajime and his wife express their regret to the bride and parents of the negligent groom and go home. But Oikawa’s elopement has taken over Hajime’s mind and he doesn’t succeed to hide it from his wife; first thing after coming home Hajime goes to a balcony and calls Oikawa. His phone — surprisingly so — isn’t off. But he doesn’t answer the call, and Hajime sighs with the beep signifying the start of a voice message.

“Oikawa, you’re an asshole, you know that?” Hajime rubs the bridge of his nose. “I understand why, but does it make it better? I still have—” he turns around to make sure his wife doesn’t hear him and muffles his voice, “I still have a wife, if you forgot about that. We’ve never had a future together—” he catches his breath, “and I don’t know what you were hoping for. I won’t leave Shinko. And for what you derail a whole fucking wedding? For that? I can’t—” he feels his eyes stinging, “give you what you want. And I won’t apologise for that” Hajime rubs his eyes. “You always knew that. And now suck it up and return to your fiance or your family, don’t be a bigger douchebag than you already are”.

Hajime ends the call feeling this won’t help and he will have to go wherever-this-asshole-hiding and drag him to his parents.

He was right: a couple of days later Oikawa’s tear-stained mother calls Hajime and asks to find her son. (Hajime leaves another voice message to Oikawa in which he explains how much he doesn’t value his parents.) Of course he says yes to her — how can he say no to his best friend’s mother?

And so he forgets about a dinner with his wife’s parents as if charmed by touch of Oikawa’s lips and goes as fast as he can to find him. Though he sees Oikawa’s face everywhere, Hajime is certain if no one still hasn’t found him he should be in that one place.

And Hajime finds himself before one of doors of an onsen’s small hotel in Tokyo suburb. He swears a little: this asshole even managed to book the same room, such a improper sentimentality.

He knocks and sighs with relief when he can hear Oikawa’s voice in the room. Hajime braces himself and enters the room, seeing Oikawa sitting on a floor. He’s surprised a little, but surprise is almost right away replaced by sheer joy.

“I knew you’d find me, Iwa-chan”.


	2. Chapter 2

Kisses have always been ordinary for them.

Ever since they were babies. Tooru distinctly remembers how when they were celebrating his (if he remembers correctly, fourth) birthday, when it was sunny and they were in his parents’ courtyard, he grabbed Iwaizumi’s then chubby cheeks, dragged him in and kissed him with relish right in the lips, and then laughed with him.

Tooru’s mom laughed with them while Iwaizumi’s mom called her down and said “Are you blind? Don’t you see what they are doing? It’s wrong!”. Tooru’s mom just laughed a little bit more in response and waived “They’re children, what do they know?”

Their mothers’ reactions, maybe, become one of the reasons why already adult Tooru and his Iwa-chan differ so much in their points of view about their relationship.

But not then. Then they just continued playing, as if nothing was wrong.

*

Tooru scarcely tries not to cry. He’s eight, and he just fell from a tree and hurt his knee. Iwaizumi persistently pulls him by his hand to a river, mumbling something about “we should wash the wound as fast as we can but home is too far away”.

River, promised by Iwaizumi, turns up to be a small creek, and before smiling through tears Tooru manages to make fun of his friend, he is pushed right in the water by him.

“Hajime-chan!” Tooru whines. “My shorts are wet now.”

“It’s warm, they will be dry soon,” Iwaizumi grumbles. “Wash your knee.”

Tooru whines another “Hajime-chaaaaaan”, but obediently goes down, beginning to scoop water with his hands and wash his wound, until Iwaizumi calls him saying something like “Stop splashing about”. Tooru yet again obediently goes out of the stream thinking that Hajime-chan is sounding just like mommy.

“Squat,” Iwaizumi says providing an example. He takes off his backpack, rummages in for a while and finally fishes out a band aid. “Give me your knee.”

Tooru speechlessly comes near Iwaizumi, with acute fascination watching his hands. Meanwhile Iwaizumi opens the band aid and a little too slow than needed sticks it down on wounded knee. Tooru releases the breath he unthinkingly holded. Iwaizumi smiles victoriously and puts down a careful kiss on a knee near the band aid. He blushes a little, “So that doesn’t hurt. Mom always does that.”

Tooru feels weightless and, blushing a little too, shyly asks, “Can you kiss me on the lips?”

Iwaizumi blushes to the roots of hair, “W-we are grown-up now, Tooru.”

“Grown-ups kiss too, I saw mom and dad kiss on the lips! And they kiss because they love each other! You love me too, right, Hajime-chan?” Tooru doesn’t know himself what makes him ask so eagerly. Does he not know without a kiss that Hajime-chan is his best friend forever? Of course he knows. But he still wants a kiss. A kiss from Hajime-chan.

And Iwaizumi is too embarrassed to answer something worthy and understandable to Tooru’s tirade, so he just closes his eyes and quickly, lightly pecks him lips on lips and as quickly moves away to his former place.

Tooru looks up at the sky deep in thought. The kiss was almost impalpable, but, he guesses, it’s all what embarrassed Hajime-chan is capable of. So Tooru smiles happily, and Iwaizumi’s face brightens. “You see, it’s nothing to be afraid of, Hajime-chan!” Tooru laughes. Iwaizumi averts his gaze, ablush.

They go home holding hands.

*

“You have to help me, Iwa-chan!” Tooru whines. “You’re my best friend!”

They’re fifteen, and Tooru has just invited him to his home, but with one particular goal in mind.

“Where did you find out that best friends have to kiss each other?!”

Tooru has just asked Iwaizumi to practice kissing with him, so Tooru can later impress the girl he likes with skills he got.

“You just haven’t seen her, Iwa-chan! She is so beautiful! But your little brain can’t grasp this. Ouch, it hurts, Iwa-chan!”

“So, let me get this straight, I have to kiss you, my childhood friend, so you can impress some girl you’re likely to forget after a month, just as you did with others before, did I understand correctly?”

Tooru looks at Iwaizumi’s face. He has recently started to frown a lot, and Tooru has already joked about how Iwa-chan, when he will be twenty years old, will become an old man with all these wrinkles from frowning. (Couple jokes like that, and Tooru won’t live long enough to see them becoming true.) And now Iwaizumi furrows his brows menacingly and tightens his lips, everything in his posture says to Tooru that no, he won’t get what he need.

But after all, Tooru is Iwa-chan’s friend so he knows his weaknesses and he uses his knowledge mercilessly when needed. Shame and compassion are on tonight’s menu.

“Oh, you’ve already forgotten about our kisses when we were kids, Hajime-chan?” Tooru sees how Iwaizumi’s face turned deep shade of red and smiles slyly. “And,” he looks at his nails as if he has lost all the interest, “if you don’t say yes, I’ll pick the random confession letter and use the sender a little, you’re okay with that, correct?”

Instead of answering Iwaizumi grabs Tooru’s hand and literally pulls him to his home’s direction. Tooru can’t stop laughing for a whole way home.

He stops laughing when they sit across from each other on his room’s floor. Iwaizumi, as it seems, is still angry at him: his arms are crossed and he is looking at anything but not Tooru; but it can be embarrassment, — and, right, Tooru looks closely and notices that his friend’s cheeks are pleasantly pink. Tooru hides suddenly blossomed smile. Iwa-chan is so cute.

Uh, what? What was that just now?

“Well, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi grumbles, not giving Tooru any opportunity to figure out his thoughts, “come on. Sooner we start, sooner we end.”

Tooru’s heart flutters, and he, suddenly eager, abruptly leans forward and places kiss on Iwaizumi’s corner of lips. Tooru realises he missed and pulls back, his face burning.

Iwaizumi, whose cheeks is not pink anymore, but red, finally looks at him, and before he could say something harsh, Tooru leans forward one more time.

It was just peck on the lips, but it did things to Tooru. It took his breath away, and before he can break the kiss, Iwaizumi places his hand on Tooru’s cheek. It calms him, and he hums softly, feeling something that is not this weird panic that makes his heart beat faster, echoing in his ears.

The first sensation he registers when he calms down is that it is nice. Iwaizumi’s lips are bitten and Tooru won’t call them soft, but he can’t find in himself any disgust or rejection. For him, it is okay as it is.

These thoughts bring the panic back, but fortunately Iwaizumi pulls back by then, his hand is still on Tooru’s cheek (he feels an urge to lean closer, much closer). Iwaizumi looks at him with judging glance and strokes him a little before removing his hand (Tooru disappointedly exhales).

Iwaizumi crosses his arms once again. “So, is it enough for you?”

“Iwa-chaaan, these kisses were not real kisses!” Tooru surprises himself by finding the strength to overcome this weird panic and whining as usual. “How can I impress a girl with this?”

Iwaizumi grumbles something, puts his hand on (the place where it belongs) Tooru’s cheek, bows his head to the side a little and touches Tooru’s lips with his. Tooru, feeling his insane heartbeat, lightly touches Iwaizumi’s lower lip with his tongue. Tooru inhales and exhales stroking Iwaizumi’s lip with his tongue, gathers all his strength and pushes his tongue inside. Tooru opens his eye and sees that Iwaizumi hilariously popped his eyes out; Tooru snorts, and Iwaizumi removes his hand from Tooru’s cheek and pushes him away.

“If you don’t stop laughing, I will leave” Iwaizumi mutters.

“Sorry, Iwa-chan,” Tooru manages to say finally, after half a minute of a nervous laugh, and dries away tears. “So, starting where we left?”

Iwaizumi doesn’t answer, rather he pulls him by neckband of his shirt and kisses him with tongue. Tooru nearly chokes, but puts his hand around Iwaizumi’s neck, just so he won’t pull back. Because not minding the strange and unexpected feelings it evokes, Tooru doesn’t want to stop. He kisses Iwaizumi back.

They spend half an hour like that, totally forgot about anything else. Tooru even some time into the kissing lies down on the floor, with Iwaizumi brooding above him, and even that distracts them for not too long: just to take a pillow.

But then Tooru realises that he doesn’t need to imagine somebody else in place of Iwaizumi, because it is nice just like it is. Knowing he kisses his best friend. Not imagining the girl he is allegedly in love with.

This thought comes through Tooru like an electric charge and he reflexively pushes Iwaizumi and sits down.

“Something’s wrong?” Iwaizumi asks gasping a little. 

Tooru can’t look him in the eyes.

“No, I just… thought it will be enough. Thanks Iwa-chan. Let's better do some homework.”

Iwaizumi radiates worry, but he must have decided Tooru finally got the weirdness of their situation and became uncomfortable with it, because he doesn’t say anything and just reaches for his bag.

(A month of dating the girl, and she dumps Tooru; he asks Iwaizumi to kiss him, and they discover that kissing after break-up is helping to get over this break-up. It becomes their secret. Their tradition.)

*

Tooru is standing in his almost empty room. He is eighteen, and today he is moving to Tokyo with the rest of his things. He is supposed to be happy: brilliant future, excellent university and his favourite volleyball wait him, but he’s not happy. Because he already misses everything: his parents, his home, his hometown, his friends and, of course, Iwa-chan, who can’t follow him for the first time.

Tooru knew that sooner or later that was bound to happen. He even thought all the time that he is ready for that. But now he understands he is not. And this is keeping him at one place.

The room’s door opens a little, and he hears how familiar, dear voice calls him. Tooru turns around, and Iwaizumi’s face right away becomes full of worry.

“Hey, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi hastens to enter the room and places a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “What happened?”

Tooru angrily wipes away tears and sighs. He won’t answer this question. He knows everything that Iwaizumi can say to make him feel better. He doesn’t want to hear anything from him.

Instead he asks, not lifting his eyes on Iwaizumi “Kiss me, Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi grips firmly Tooru’s shoulder, but it doesn’t hurt. He only turns his head and places a soft kiss on one of Iwaizumi’s fingers. His grip relaxes.

He takes Tooru’s face in his hands, and he finally looks at his friend’s face. Iwaizumi has tears, just appeared. He gets close, bows his head to the side and kisses him deeply.

Tooru feels it’s hard to breathe, but it’s a good feeling. He feels like there’s nothing left of him, everything has dissolved in Iwaizumi, and this is a good feeling too.

The world around them has stopped for a moment.

But everything should come to the end, and so Iwaizumi ends the kiss. Tooru doesn’t feel a thing.

Iwaizumi leads him, almost growing numb, out of the room and to the car. Tooru, sitting in the back seat, saw Iwaizumi talking to Tooru’s dad; then he approaches the car, opens its door at the other side of back seat and sits beside his friend. Soon Tooru’s father joins them, says something inspiring but empty and starts the car.

Iwaizumi’s hand finds Tooru’s, intertwining their fingers, and Tooru grips his hand.

They hold their hands all the way to the station. Tooru doesn’t care if his dad finds out or not. Iwaizumi, as it seems, feels the same, which is not like him at all. Tooru’s dead hope like a bird in a cage goes wild in his ribcage.

But then they arrive. Unload Tooru’s things. Iwaizumi hugs him as a goodbye, and Tooru with all his strength makes himself unchain the hug.

Before he could realise what was happening, he finds himself in a train to Tokyo. Finally numbness has left, and Tooru starts crying, loudly, shamelessly, unceasingly.

Tooru feels like he left his heart in Miyagi. With Iwa-chan. Forever.

*

He hoped that kiss was a promise, that it’s not the end for their strange friendship. But nearing the end of university, Iwaizumi suddenly comes to Tooru, uninvited, and declares that he’s getting married. Only then Tooru’s hope that their friendship will become something different is destroyed. He is forced to realize that he has to forget about his feelings for Iwaizumi, and he honestly tries to do so.

And now, looking at Iwaizumi, suddenly entered his room, he has to realize he has failed.

He smiles “I knew you’d find me Iwa-chan.”

He smiles, because he knows, he sees that he is not the only one who is strangled by their own feelings. Because Iwaizumi looks lost, like he has only realized that he has fooled himself all this time and now doesn’t know what is true anymore. Because Tooru knows he is the only one who can help him.

Tooru stands up and slowly comes near Iwaizumi. He silently, a little surprisedly, looks at him, but doesn’t move. Tooru stands right before Iwaizumi, softly takes his face in his hands and touches his lips with his. Iwaizumi doesn’t fight back; he, as it seems, doesn’t move at all, he even holds his breath. Tooru deepens the kiss, but Iwaizumi doesn’t kisses him back; just after a few seconds he pushes Tooru and averts his gaze.

“I… I can’t.” Iwaizumi manages to say while Tooru tries to make himself breathe again. “I can’t see you anymore, unless my marriage is doomed.” he finishes and brings his hand to his eyes to discreetly wipe away tears.

He takes Tooru’s face in his hands, places painfully tender kiss on his forehead and retreats. Tooru sobs.

“Please, come home.” Iwaizumi says as a goodbye and leaves.

Tooru closes the door and, not trying to stop the river of tears coming from his eyes, starts to pack his things.

He isn’t surprised. After all, picking up the pieces of his heart is ordinary for Tooru too.


	3. Chapter 3

Hajime has always told Oikawa that perfection is unreachable (so, come on, Shittykawa, the training is over, we go home), and, perhaps, his words had much more weight if he, too, listened to himself.

Nothing severe or unusual, just perfectionistic mother and father that expects from him too much.

Nothing severe, he just has to do his best in his studies, housework and sports. (Which is of course just a hobby, because after school he will choose respectable prestige profession and uphold a healthy lifestyle with something else, not volleyball.) And he has to do all this having no flaws in his personality.

Hajime is lucky, because he, not being too pliant, is obedient enough, and he respects and listens to seniors. That way, it is easier to do everything they say.

Hajime doesn’t know how to live elsewise.

The only Hajime’s flaw they couldn’t destroy is Oikawa. Like a tornado, he came to Hajime’s life and has never left. His parents are patient enough to this little mistake (secretly waiting that soon their son will grow of this never-bringing-anything-good friendship), until Hajime falters.

Oikawa has just been through his yet another break-up, and Hajime, kissed away all his tears, sees him off and makes a mistake. He, being too tender to sad Oikawa, reaches his hand and intertwines their fingers, giving his hand a little squeeze. The door is shut, and Hajime turns around and sees a very angry look at his mother’s face.

“Tooru-kun is upset because his girlfriend dumped him, correct?” she hums thoughtfully. “They dump him a lot, as I recall. I hope he won’t go a wrong way because of that.”

Hajime knows he won’t like what he’ll hear, but asks softly anyway, “What are you talking about, mother?”

“About queers”, her gaze pierces through Hajime’s heart and leaves it to bleed. “I hope I won’t see suchlike behaviour from you anymore, Hajime. There shouldn’t be a relationship like that between men, friendship or otherwise, it doesn’t matter”, she finishes, turns around and leaves.

Hajime for some reason feels that his eyes stings a little. (He won’t forget this conversation.)

*

Hajime has a long time ago learned how not to be jealous of anyone about Oikawa, when he is sixteen.

Right about then he realises he is in love with him, but doing anything about that seems useless. How can a guy get his best friend’s heart, if he is always in relationship with some girl?

Hajime for a moment thinks it would be easier if Oikawa had been in relationship with a guy at least once, but no, it wouldn’t. It would be some guy, not Hajime. Another sex wouldn’t add him hope that the feeling is mutual.

Hajime sighs and flops over in his bed. It is Sunday, and Oikawa is on a date. And Hajime has sickeningly nothing to do. Oikawa is on a date, and Hajime is out of homework to keep himself busy.

He checks his phone. He hasn’t heard from Oikawa for three hours.

Yeah. He’s not jealous of anyone. Not at all.

*

Oikawa begins to slip away from him. So far as Hajime spends his nights tossing and turning in bed, guessing what has happened to his friend. Has he hurt Oikawa somehow? Is his family okay? Has his knee been acting up again?

Has he fallen in love with somebody?

Hajime angrily brushes off this bitter thought. Now is not the time to be jealous. His friend needs him. He sees that in yearning gazes Oikawa always gives him then he thinks nobody’s watching.

So Hajime, after a week of Oikawa ignoring him, stands in front of his house. Hajime doesn’t care what has happened to him exactly; he is eager to make it right. After all, he’s still his best friend, he can help him.

Door is opened by Oikawa’s mom. Seeing Hajime, she smiles, “Come on in, Hajime-kun. He’s in his room.”

He walks upstairs with a bad, anxious feeling in his gut; he quietly opens the door so he sneaks up on Oikawa. The room is dark, Oikawa has drawn the curtains. He himself is in bed, rolled himself in a blanket completely. Hajime walks up to him and pushes him lightly.

“Mooom, I’ve done my homework,” Oikawa’s muffled voice is heard from the blanket.

“Shittykawa, how many times have I told you not to call me “mom”?”

Oikawa’s face peeks out of a blanket, surprise and… fear are written on it. Hajime is taken aback, _What the hell? Why is he afraid of me?_

Meanwhile Oikawa, still in the blanket, gets up and, almost tripping and hardly moving his legs, tries to run. Hajime realizes this and in no time grabs him around his waist and brings him down to the floor. Oikawa wriggles and even manages to kick Hajime in his face with his elbow, but Hajime’s iron grip is unbreakable. Soon Oikawa calms down and says, deeply offended, “You can release me now, Iwa-chan, I won’t run away.”

Oikawa stands up and, still in the blanket cocoon, sits on the bed; Hajime sits on a chair near work desk. They spend next five minutes glaring at each other, until Hajime gives up, realizing that he does absolutely different thing from the one he has planned to do.

“Well,” he says, leaning back on the chair’s back. “Are you going to tell me why are you acting so weird, or what?”

The shadow of fear that’s already been on Oikawa’s face paints his features once again. Hajime frowns. He definitely doesn’t like this.

He decides to relocate himself to the bed; Oikawa looks at him with suspicion and moves away from him. Hajime moves closer, and Oikawa, as expected, moves away, which causes Hajime to move even closer. Oikawa turns around just to see a wall behind him. He decides to change his course of actions and hides his face in the blanket. Hajime expected this, so he sighs heavily and starts fighting with Oikawa for it.

“Iwa-chan! Not fair!” Oikawa, left without the blanket, crosses his hands, observing Hajime putting his trophy away from him. 

Finally, Hajime sits beside Oikawa, left without any kind of defence right before his best friend who is able to guess his mood. In other words, the odds are not in his favour, and they both know it. Perhaps, that’s why, Hajime thinks later, Oikawa moves quickly, catches his lips in a kiss and brings him down on a bed.

Hajime knows that he shouldn't cave in, but there's no such weakness to him than Oikawa’s lips. He chokes, but Oikawa doesn’t stop, even deepens the kiss.

Something is… wrong. Usually they kiss slow and steady — the one has his arms around the other’s neck or touches the waist, the other’s deep in his hair — from time to time they tear away from each other to look the other’s in the eye, as if asking “It’s okay? You’re alright? Should we continue?”, and Hajime feels pleasantly warm in his stomach. Now, his head is spinning from the insanity of a kiss; Oikawa doesn’t give him a moment to catch his breath, brooding above him, hands on each side of Hajime’s head; Oikawa bites Hajime’s lip until it bleeds and still doesn’t break the kiss with metallic taste, devouring him.

This might have continue forever, but then Hajime feels Oikawa unzipping his fly and pulls his underwear’s elastic band. Hajime feels like he has been brought down to earth. He pushes Oikawa away and hurriedly gets off the bed, zipping his fly.

“What was that?” he asks, gasping for air. Oikawa just looks at him, something dark and secreted is hidden in his eyes. “What the hell, Oikawa?!” he shouted, not caring if Oikawa’s mom may hear him. “I know I’m a toy for you just so you don’t feel that bad after break-ups, but everything has its limits!”

Oikawa’s face lightens up, becomes more humane, and he even opens his mouth to say something to Hajime, but he has already disappeared from the room.

*

Hajime lets Oikawa go. He stops noticing that he builds opposeless walls between them; heck, he himself is happy to build wall or two. He is painfully angry.

A week passes, and Hajime starts to feel longing. He feels like something tugs in his chest, and he can’t take his mind off it. He realized severeness and depth of his feelings to Oikawa before, has always realized, but only now he feels all strength of them. It is unbearable. He feels like he’s suffocating, nothing brings him this satisfaction, this joy as mere sight of him.

Hajime notices, looking at him from a distance, that their falling-out had the same effect on Oikawa: he has become pale, his eye bags is darker now, and Hajime’s sick of his insincere smile more than ever before.

No, he can’t do this to him; whatever Oikawa wanted from him, he needs Hajime’s love.

Because of that, he yet again finds himself in front of Oikawa’s house; the door is open, but there’s nobody here. Hajime walks upstairs, trying to calm his frantic heartbeat down.

Oikawa is sleeping. Hajime sits near the bed; he decides to not wake him up, knowing that his friend has had trouble sleeping lately. Hajime listens to his peaceful breathing and calms down himself. About an hour passes, and Oikawa wakes up. He looks at Hajime in surprise and even rubs his eyes comically. Hajime laughes airily.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa comes down and sits near him. “I have to tell you something.”

Hajime nods. He doesn’t know what to say anyway despite coming to him. He… waits for an explanation from Oikawa. That’s it. He has to understand that.

Oikawa inhales and exhales, as if getting prepared. He looks at Hajime — determination has won over his features — and…

“I’m in love with y…”

Hajime feels like someone punched the air out of him; he hastily covers Oikawa’s month with his hand. Oikawa’s face turns into funny expression (if only Hajime cared about funny expressions now).

It would be better if Oikawa fell in love with somebody else. It would be better if jealousy devoured him. Anything is better than that.

He can’t breathe.

_There shouldn’t be a relationship like that between men, friendship or otherwise, it doesn’t matter._

He feels sick.

“Iwa-chan?” Oikawa removes Hajime’s shaking hand from his face.

Friendship with Oikawa is most important thing he has. Nothing makes him happier. What will happen to it if they start dating?.. No, he shouldn’t think even about the possibility of them dating. It will destroy their friendship. And Hajime will do anything to protect it.

He quickly wipes away tears which he doesn’t when appeared and starts talking, quietly and hurriedly, not looking in Oikawa’s eyes, “We can’t be together, because my parents will know and I’ll never see you again. And I can’t be without you, you’re the dearest person to me. You know it himself, couple of weeks apart, and look at us.” Hajime laughs dryly and instantly becomes serious, “We shouldn’t have started kissing, you wouldn’t fall in love with me and we wouldn’t have this talk. So we stop, so you can fall out of love. Because we have to.”

Oikawa listens to this tirade with wide-open eyes. _Duh,_ Hajime thinks, _he most likely expected any other answer and not this one._

Oikawa’s eyes start to shine with tears. Despite this, he nods. “I understood you, Iwa-chan,” he bites his lip and averts his gaze.

Hajime can’t describe how much pain he feels right now. He is threshed, he is grinded; his heart is in pieces and acutely aches. He didn’t expect he would break it himself.

But this is right. Their friendship — their little world for two — has no place for love.


	4. Chapter 4

Tooru thinks his heart must be made from glass. Otherwise why did Iwaizumi break it so easily? 

“Oh, wow,” Tooru manages to smile crookedly. “Congratulations!”

Iwaizumi frowns a little, “Oikawa, are you alright?”

No, he’s fucking not.

All this almost four years Tooru lived through with one thought and one thought only: he graduates and he persuades Iwaizumi, taking him to Tokyo, where they will be together, where his parents’ expectations won’t reach him, where he will be free and loved. He hadn’t thought that Iwaizumi would meanwhile organize his love life to the point where he’s getting married.

He never even mentioned he had a girlfriend, not through texting, not while meeting on a break when Tooru returned to Miyagi. He was not ready. At all.

Not answering Iwaizumi, he darts to bathroom and locks the door. Tears fall down like a waterfall, he clutches his chest, consumed by burning jealousy and bitter hurt. He thought that kiss before he left meant something. Did it mean something? Otherwise, why did Iwaizumi kiss him if he was the one who has forbidden them from doing it? Why did he leave hope, if he himself said Tooru to “fall out of love”?

It was an apology and a promise, nothing else.

They’ve never talked about it though.

Iwaizumi pummels the door. “Oikawa? Oikawa, are you alright? Something happened?”

Tooru quickly washes his face and opens the door with dazzling smile. “Geez, Iwa-chan, are _you_ okay? What makes you worry so much? My stomach just acted up, that’s all,” Tooru laughes lightly, grabs Iwaizumi linking their arms and leads him away from the bathroom. “You know what we haven’t done in a while? Spend some time together! So I hope your weekend is free, because we are going to an onsen! You can tell me about the lucky girl who owns your heart, by the way!” Tooru tried so hard not to sound jealous, but this was too hard, and the last sentence turned up to be a little bit too bitter. He carefully looks at Iwaizumi; he seems like he sees through all Tooru’s sham.

But instead of making him admit his lies Iwaizumi just sighs and shakes his head. “Well, I made the decision to tell you about the news in person myself, so I have to pay for that. Let’s go to onsen.”

Tooru smiles even wider. It’s the one of the most insincere smiles he has ever worn, and they both know that.

*

Iwaizumi looks at him sceptically, “Shittykawa, have you really thought you can just arrive on a weekend and get a room? In a Tokyo suburbs’ onsen?”

“But, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa whines, “We’ve already been at three onsens and none has free rooms, it’s just unfair!”

“Maybe we should pick a smaller onsen,” Iwaizumi says fishing out his phone.

“Yeah, okay,” Tooru laughs, “The smaller onsens have bigger hotels!”

Iwaizumi doesn’t say a thing, just gives him an enigmatic look and enters new address in a navigator.

They arrive there half an hour later.

“We have one room,” the old man behind the stand says. Iwaizumi smiles victoriously, and Tooru pouts averting his gaze (with a great effort tearing away from Iwaizumi’s face lighten up with a rare smile, like the sun grazing the earth).

“We take it.”

*

Tooru inhales deeply, dipping into the hot water of baths. They arrived at onsen in evening; Iwaizumi sent him ahead, taking the responsibility of setting up futons (such dedication; Iwaizumi most likely doesn’t want to spend time alone with him more than necessary, — Tooru thinks glumly).

There is a lot of people, but not too much; Tooru easily finds a quiet corner. People’s conversations buzzes around him, but he still manages to relax, enjoying his (relative) loneliness. He closes his eyes and dissolves in warmth.

“Oi, Shittykawa, I hope you don’t fall asleep here.”

Tooru opens up one eye and smirks, “Then tell something interesting.”

Iwaizumi meets him with his good old gloomy face and averts his gaze.

“For example, about your future wife?” Tooru asks carefully.

Iwaizumi smiles gently. (Tooru gets this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.) “Her name is Shinko. We’re coursemates, but we became friends only on the second course: we sat together during one boring class and just started talking… We started dating half a year after, she asked me out and said something like we’d never start dating otherwise, because I’d never have the guts to ask, and I think, she was right. So that’s why I finally took the lead and proposed… You’re the first one I told this, actually.” Iwaizumi looks at Tooru; he gulps. “I hope you know why.”

“Of course I will be your best man, Iwa-chan,” Tooru says quietly, catching Iwaizumi’s glance.

“Thank you.” He, not breaking their eye contact, puts a hand on Tooru’s shoulder and squeezes it. Tooru doesn’t even dare to breathe. What has seemed like an eternity later the hand slowly slips down the shoulder. Iwaizumi shifts glance. “I, um, she, um,” He looks kind of… shy? “You will like her, T… Oikawa.”

Tooru’s head spins.

Iwaizumi can’t be… He can’t…

He can’t still be in love with him.

*

Iwaizumi has never told Tooru he loved him, but he isn’t blind. Yes, as a teenager, he had low self-esteem, which made him believe his wonderful Iwa-chan couldn’t feel the same, but when he was preparing to confess everything had become kind of obvious. Such as now.

Tooru can’t sleep. Iwaizumi’s near — just extend a hand — and this is likely the last time they’re together. Tooru’s for some reason nervous.

“Not sleeping?” he exhales.

For a minute, silence envelops them, and Tooru has already scolded himself for being presumptuous. Maybe he sees what he wants to see, and it’s all a whim, and Iwaizumi’s never loved him, and…

“No sleeping.”

“Oh,” Tooru answers, “good.”

This is the last chance not to make mistake and not to make his friend bear yet another heavy burden. God knows he has enough already without Tooru. He must’ve made his friend’s life easier, not vice versa.

Some more minutes of uncertainty later, Tooru finally gives under and moves up to Iwaizumi. He looks at him with bright eyes, the moon shines on them incredibly. Tooru’s heart clenches; he leans in and starts kissing Iwaizumi’s neck. He almost noiselessly exhales and kisses Tooru’s crown; his eyes starts to water — he angrily wipes them and moves nearer to Iwaizumi. He wraps his arms around Tooru’s waist as much as he could and pulls him even nearer, just so he’s on top of Iwaizumi.

Tooru hoped some time in the past that they would be that couple which had shared everything together: first kiss, first serious relationship, first sex. But when he was eighteen years old, when he mustered courage to confess to Iwaizumi and he, in fact, rejected him, he had to embrace the harsh reality of that never happening. So to their first — and most likely last — time with Iwaizumi he has gathered some experience with women, and with men.

Not that it matters. 

But his face isn’t bright red, as it could be. His heart doesn't stumble on Iwaizumi’s every faltering gasp. And, finally, he doesn’t pull Iwaizumi’s underwear holding his breath.

That’s a shame. That Iwaizumi left them without all that.

Although, Tooru shouldn’t blame him. Iwaizumi most likely wanted all this — and them to be together, of course — just as much as Tooru. Otherwise he’d pushed him away, screamed at him, left the room long time ago. And hadn’t laid beneath Tooru with barefaced want, hadn’t pulled him to kiss him sloppily once again, hadn’t cling to Tooru like if he’d loosened his grip Tooru disappears, like a ghost, like an illusion.

Tooru knows everything. He knows that Iwaizumi’s love will never become stronger than his fears. He was ready to confront them, if Iwaizumi’d want that. But he was too afraid.

It’s okay. Whoever Iwaizumi is together with, Tooru will always be near him. It will hurt, but that’s alright. His devotion and love will never disappear.

Tooru cums whispering “Hajime” (he kissed his name away), gains his breath and lays beside Iwaizumi, partly on his futon, partly on the floor. Iwaizumi puts on his pants and goes to the closet; he returns with a towel, wiping himself. Tooru seizes the moment and occupies another’s futon; Iwaizumi lays on an edge with a smile that turns Tooru’s insides upside down and puts his head on Tooru’s chest, on his heart.

They lay in silence — Iwaizumi’s hand warms Tooru’s stomach, Tooru’s hand draws circles on Iwaizumi’s back — until Tooru hears a sob and feels tears falling on his chest.

He sits up, and Iwaizumi grabs his waist, burying his head on his tights. Tooru hesitantly draws his hand near Iwaizumi's hair and weightlessly runs his fingers through it. It’s soft, as it’s always been. Tooru smiles softly, “Was the sex that bad?”

Iwaizumi raises his hand and, as much as he could, punches Tooru in a gut. He, hadn’t expected the hit, almost bends over. “Ow, Iwa-chan, it hurts!”

Iwaizumi answers couple of minutes later.

“Sorry.”

Tooru knows he apologizes not for hitting him.

*

The sun has just risen, when he is fully clothed and ready to leave.

Iwaizumi sleeps restlessly, and Tooru would spend an eternity trying to calm him down, comfort him, but he knows that role is no longer his. If it was his to begin with.

Tooru is making up his almost unused futon, when he hears a sound. He looks at Iwaizumi and sees him looking at him with understanding, tired eyes. Iwaizumi moves a little bit and rises the blanket, inviting him. Tooru, with great might, makes himself to shake his head. Iwaizumi sits up, bewilderment is written across his face. “Tooru…”

“No, don’t say a thing,” Tooru hastily puts the futon in a closet and heads to the door. He opens it, lingers for a bit and says, not looking at Iwaizumi, “I hope she will be a good wife for you, Iwa-chan,” and he exits, closing a door, before he hears an answer, before his pain is seen.

Pieces of his heart cuts into his chest, causing almost unbearable pain. Almost — because he will tolerate anything for Iwa-chan.


	5. Chapter 5

Tooru hasn’t seen Iwaizumi for almost two years, since that meeting in the hotel. It’s funny: last time, after Iwaizumi’s wedding, he stopped talking to him also for two years. Seems like a pattern begins to emerge. (He hopes not: seeing Iwaizumi once in two years is simply too insufferable.)

He doesn’t hold any grudge. He just misses him. And he hopes Iwaizumi misses him too, even just a little.

That’s why he meets him and his wife with a smile at his parents’ door — all Iwaizumis and most of Oikawas (not counting Tooru’s elder sister, her husband and her son) have decided to meet in the latter’s house and have a dinner, just like they did before. Iwaizumi answers him with a dazzling smile, and Tooru feels pleasant light feeling in the stomach. Feeling that he hasn’t had for two years.

He came home a day ago, but only now he feels like he is home. Like everything’s right now. Like it’s supposed to be. Like there wasn’t eight years apart.

Iwaizumi makes a step forward and rises his hands, most likely wanting to hug him, but then he suddenly realises something and lowers them. (Tooru catches a glimpse Iwaizumi gives his wife and starts suspecting something.)

“I’m glad to see you, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi says honestly, “You almost haven’t changed a bit.”

“Uuuhh, Iwa-chan, wrong! I became prettier,” comes out of Tooru’s mouth by itself.

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, but a light half-smile blooms on his mouth.

“Yeah, alright, you have changed. Became more annoying.” Somebody coughs, and Iwaizumi recollects himself, the smile disappears from his face. He turns around and calls his wife to come nearer. “Yeah, do you remember my wife?”

Shinko comes forward and bows politely. Tooru bows too.

“It’s a pleasure to see you again, Oikawa-san,” Shinko looks up, and Tooru’s gets a sick feeling in his stomach. She is rather tall, with short haircut and chocolate eyes which remind Tooru too much of the one he sees in a mirror. He wants to laugh bitterly.

“Such an honour, Shinko-san,” Tooru theatrically puts his hand on his chest. Shinko curves a brow questioningly. “We haven’t had an opportunity to chat before, but I hope we’ll get to know each other better today.”

Corner of her lips twitches and her brows frown just a bit, but she almost right away gains control of her facial expression and smiles. And Tooru wears fake smiles a lot, enough to recognise them on the other person.

 _Today’s going to be interesting,_ he thinks.

*

The dinner passes by without problems or something interesting, and Tooru has just thought he waited too much from this night and nothing will happen, when everyone — hosts and guests — relocate themselves to the living room and someone starts talking about family.

“Tooru-kun,” Iwaizumi’s mother starts with a polite smile, “I was very disappointed to know you’d run away from your wedding two years ago. That girl was, I think, good for you — what was her name again, Miki…”

“Mika,” Tooru corrects her hurriedly. “And yes, she was good. Too good. I didn’t deserve her and, unfortunately, realised that right before the wedding.”

“It doesn’t matter, to break girl’s heart is not a manly thing to do,” Iwaizumi’s father says, “and to spend time of everyone who has come to the wedding. I disapprove your doing, Tooru-kun.”

Tooru just smiles apologetically. He knows by Iwaizumi’s stories that it’s better to just agree with his parents.

“Okay, enough about past,” Oikawa’s mom claps her hands. “You better tell us if you have anyone now.”

(Tooru sees out of the corner of his eye that Iwaizumi tenses.)

“No, unfortunately,” Tooru’s apologetic smile becomes sad and he lowers his eyes. “I’ve never met anyone better.” Tooru hopes while everyone thinks about Mika, Iwaizumi understands his words correctly.

“Well, it’s alright, my boy, you’ll find that one girl sooner than later,” Tooru’s mom says with sorry smile and puts your hand on his. His features are still painted with sadness, but not a fake one; how can he tell his mother that he’s already found, not “girl”, but a “boy”? And that happiness is impossible for him, because the one is unreachable? Tooru can’t imagine.

“Talking about the one who’s already found,” Iwaizumi’s mother gathers up the thread of discussion. “Hajime, Shinko, four years of marriage is a good number. But when will there be any children?”

Iwaizumi smiles forcedly, Shinko’s face becomes inscrutable; he lays his hand on hers and answers, “No, not now. Well, you know, we have to make sure our jobs are stable, we should find a better apartment…”

 

Shinko snatches away her hand and stands up. “Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.”

 

“Down the corridor, second door to the left, dear,” Tooru’s mom says with soft smile. Shinko bows and hastily goes away. Iwaizumi follows her with dreary gaze.

“Alright, enough about marriages,” Tooru’s dad finally intervenes. “Let's talk about…”

*

Shinko comes back and sits all night with as if she glued to her face a horrible fake smile, and doesn’t say a word. And she avoids her husband’s gestures in every way possible. Finally, he, as it seems, snaps and excuses himself, walking away. Tooru seizes the moment and follows him, — he is interested what has happened to Shinko-san, but more than that he wants to spend some time alone with his Iwa-chan.

He is sitting on a steps of a veranda and smokes.

“When have you started smoking?” Tooru blurts.

Iwaizumi doesn’t jump and isn’t surprised at all, as it seems; it's like he was waiting for him. He moves over, emptying the space for Tooru to sit and extinguishes the cigarette. “Yeah, I smoke one or two in a while since university.”

Tooru hums safely and sits beside him. Is it the steps or their shoulders are too broad, but they sit lightly brushing each other. It is… good. It’s been a long time since they were so close.

Iwaizumi inhales deeply. “You know, I’ve told her everything about us,” he looks at Tooru from the corner of his eye. “Shinko, I mean.”

“Oh,” Tooru manages to say. Then, her strange behavior today is understandable; it was a little too obvious.

It is late at night, and a couple of stars are seen, — Tooru looks up dreamily. He’s always loved nights for that: silence, peace, and vastness of space above you.

He looks down to find Iwaizumi looking at him just like Tooru looked at the galaxies upon them. He doesn’t look away and doesn’t get embarrassed when Tooru catches him; he just let's himself smile a little. Tooru gasps for air, and he exhales words, “I thought you’d call.”

Iwaizumi is taken aback; he shifts his gaze from Tooru’s face and says with a pain in his eyes, “I thought you’d understand my situation.”

Tooru’s heart hurts. Of course he’d understood his situation. But he also understands that Iwaizumi carries this burden when nobody makes him to. He can be happy.

Tooru is angry for some reason, “I thought you’d apologize.”

Iwaizumi looks at him carefully, “And I thought that too.”

Tooru’s hard to breathe, it’s like all his friend’s doubts clasped around his neck. And how many doubts he has.

“I waited,” he manages to say, “that you’d accept my feelings for you.”

Iwaizumi doesn't answer, looking ahead, not on something at particular, misty-eyed. Tooru’s shoulder feels his friend’s warmth, and it makes him even more sick: he is sick, because Iwaizumi’s near, but not quite; he feels his warmth, but not the way he needs it. It’s not enough.

“I still love you,” Tooru whispers, crying, and Iwaizumi lays his hand on his. They both can feel unspoken “Me too” ringing in the air.

They sits in silence for five minutes and enters the house, coming back from their little world to the big world outside, which has its own plans for them both, different from what Tooru keeps inside.

“Please, don’t leave me, Hajime,” is the last thing he says. “It was painfully lonely without you these two years.”

Iwaizumi gulps, nods and squeezes Tooru’s hand, which feels like a goodbye.

Perhaps, it is a goodbye. A goodbye to any possibility for them to be together. Because Tooru finally has to come to terms that they can’t give each other what they want. In the end, they have friendship, and sometimes it’s enough. Their friendship is enough.


	6. Chapter 6

Hajime’s eighteen, and he has been confessed to by his best friend. The one he loves in return. The one he rejected.

Hajime can’t stop thinking that if he’d said “I’m in love with you too” instead of his silly tirade everything would be different. Everything would be right, their friendship would have remained untouched, and his parents would never know a thing.

And he spends a day, a week, a month trying to find the right moment: practice comes after practice, they have lunches together and walk each other home, visits change to sleepovers and vice versa, and here, there’s comfortable silence between them, they walk, brushing each other’s hands; they sit on a couch cuddling up to each other and watch some movie; they catch each other’s glances doing their homework; and Hajime loses

every

that

moment.

(He yet doesn’t know he will curse himself for this; now there’s a million of that moments — half a million were and half a million will be — and he is waiting for the most perfect one.)

(...Says he to himself. Actually, he is still afraid.)

Hajime’s eighteen, and this means that he soon has to say goodbye to school. And maybe to his long lasted friendship with Oikawa, — who knows if it will matter to him, when he is going into brilliant future which awaits him in Tokyo. Which doesn’t await Hajime who stays at Sendai. Will Oikawa care for him in the new city?

No, Hajime isn’t jealous. He is happy for his friend, he deserved that. But Hajime can’t help but thinking what will become of them?

He is sure Oikawa at first will be as annoying as before: endless texts during a day which tells all little things happening to him, calls at night, ending well beyond midnight, skype on weekends. But then he’ll get new acquaintances and friends which will occupy weekends; practices will become harsher, making him busy during evenings; studies will be unmerciful so much he won’t have a minute to text.

This isn’t paranoia speaking. It is true. Oikawa won’t have time for him, period.

(Hajime is afraid of that too.)

Hajime’s eighteen, and he doesn’t know how to deal with all these feelings.

*

Oikawa doesn’t avoid him after the confession. Contrariwise, he tries to be there for him, gently holding his hand when nobody sees. Hajime has no strength to fight against that: he wants all that for them. He doesn’t admit that to himself, but when he looks in Oikawa’s eyes he understands that he’s always loved him. And always will.

So Hajime stops looking in his eyes.

“Hey, Iwa-chan, what is that?” Oikawa says laughing, tenderly touches Hajime’s cheek and turns his face to him. Hajime still looks glumly to the side. “Something’s happened?” Oikawa sounds serious now, “Did I do something?”

“No, I’m just…” Hajime shakes his head, and Oikawa removes his hand. “Not feeling really well.” He looks at the sidewalk like it’s most interesting thing in his life.

Oikawa carefully touches his shoulder. “I know it usually goes other way, but…” Hajime sees Tooru shifting from one foot to another. “But you’re my best friend and I’m ready to help you any way I can. Listen to you at least. You hear me, Iwa-chan? I’m here for you.”

 _I love you and you love me, but we can’t be together, ever. And soon you’ll leave, and we’ll stop being friends, even when our friendship is the most valuable thing to me._ So, how you like it?

Hajime carefully steps back just so Oikawa can’t reach him.

“Nothing,” he grumbles, averting his gaze, “it’s nothing. Don’t worry, Oikawa.”

He goes on ahead not waiting for Oikawa to follow him and he doesn't turn back to say goodbye when they reach the intersection where they usually part ways.

Maybe he shouldn’t ruin their friendship before it ruins itself, but Hajime can’t help himself. He can’t be near Oikawa, it hurts too much. It pleasures too much.

And Hajime starts to avoid Oikawa, though he’s never did that before (but will be doing that a lot).

*

 

Hajime is sick.

He wakes up coughing so much he scares his mother and with temperature so high he can’t get out of his bed. So, of course, no matter how hard he struggles, he has to stay home. He drinks something to lower his temperature and falls into a broken slumber. (He dreams of Oikawa with soft genuine smile and curses the idea of staying home yet again.)

He wakes up when the doorbell rings. He looks at a clock: it’s almost three. Hajime slept through all his classes; luckily, there's no practice today, but the day still feels wasted.

He gets up and notices that he feels better already, so he can return to school tomorrow. This is a good news.

The doorbell rings again, and Hajime goes to see who it is. Perhaps, it’s one of his classmates bringing the papers with school stuff, most likely, it’s their class rep. Hajime’s almost sure it’s the class rep: she is hardworking and committed, takes on too much and…

It’s Oikawa.

Hajime didn’t even think that he would come here, not then he hadn’t mustered up courage to talk to him for these past two weeks. Hajime feels the warmth in his chest starts spreading from just one look at Oikawa and scolds himself for that.

What is more important is that Oikawa is soaked.

“Hi, Iwa-chan,” he smiles awkwardly.

Hajime looks behind him: it’s raining cats and dogs outside.

“Don’t think anything,” Oikawa starts digging through his things, “I’m just bringing you everything your class rep asked me to bring, I’ll give it to you and will go home right away…”

Hajime rolls his eyes, grabs him by collar of his shirt and drags him home. Oikawa shrieks, surprised, and bumps into Hajime. He keeps his balance by miracle and pushes Oikawa away.

“Shower, now,” he orders with his hands crossed on his chest. Oikawa looks at him with something strange in his eyes; Hajime holds his gaze stubbornly, and Oikawa has to nod and go to the second floor.

Hajime closes the door sighing and goes to his room. It was okay when only he was ill, the team will not survive the loss, even temporary, of their captain. He does that only for them, and not because he worries about that idiot, — Hajime says to himself looking for spare clothing.

Half an hour later, Oikawa, just out of shower, in Hajime’s clothes, too short in sleeves and a bit too big around the shoulders, sits, frowning, and watches Hajime doing homework. It’s not that he sits for far too long, no, just the intensity of his gaze is too high for Hajime to ignore for too long, so couple of minutes later he sighs and turns around to Oikawa, “What do you need?”

He is a little surprised, but not for too long; he theatrically throws his hair back from his face, bolts upright and puts a hand on his chest, “Now more important is what you need, not me, because it’s you who…”

Hajime doesn’t give him an opportunity to finish, “I’ll throw you back under that downpour, and just try to not show up on practice tomorrow, Trashykawa.”

Oikawa pouts and gets up from the floor. Hajime starts doing homework again, but then he feels how Oikawa hangs on his neck.

“Iwa-chaaan,” Oikawa whines. “Why are you avoiding me?”

Hajime hits somewhere with his elbow; Oikawa gasps, but doesn’t loosen his grip. Hajime starts wiggling, trying to get rid of Oikawa this way or another, but it is in vain.

“We haven’t talked properly for two weeks! Two!” Oikawa continues whining. “And I’ll move away soon, and we won’t anymore…” he stops feeling that Hajime doesn’t move anymore. “This is what it is about? You worry we stop talking to each other? But, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa moves up so he can cradle Hajime’s face, “we won’t. That’s for sure.”

There are still, of course, some doubts inside Hajime, like a snake suffocating him, but he looks at Oikawa and manages to ask quietly, “Are you sure?”

“We’ll always be friends, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa smiles broadly, and Hajime feels familiar warmth in his chest.

Yes. Forever.


End file.
